louisville//nashville • perspective

cody and i packed ourselves toothbrushes and our favorite clothes, secured our bank accounts and hit the road on a thursday afternoon headed south.

pt. I louisville

first we decided to make a stop in louisville where my friend ashley and her husband chris reside. they welcomed us with open arms and gave us a tour of their immaculate cozy home and introduced us to the cutest dogs we've ever seen, mel and snow who became our snuggle buddies most of the night.

ashley and chris wasted no time in showing and telling us all the things they were passionate about and why they loved their quaint and minimalistic home so much. you could physically feel all the love and care that was put into the home in the short time they've been there, from the handmade furniture chris hand crafted to the intricate and stunning macrame business ashley runs out of her living room. two truly amazing individuals who somehow become more incredible together.

we took to the streets of downtown louisville where they took us to a very hip and upcoming coffee shop where they're both employed called quill. we fell in love with the decor and atmosphere of the place where they've created such a tight and well rounded community. casual coffee conversation lead to us finding out more about ashley and her husband, where they met, how they fell in love, and their wedding day featuring booty work as their first dance. conversation went down as smoothly as the espresso we were sipping on, we felt like we too were apart of this magnificent life they've created and felt warm while taking in their gazes and laughter while they shared it all with us.

next we made our way to a delicious popsicle stand that's apparently a staple in louisville. We quickly and unsuccessfully tried to lick the whole popsicle down before the heat melted it all over us. sticky and smelling of lavender lemonade we headed towards a pizza shop that served us 3 dollar slice pizzas as big as our heads. here we were able to dive into more in depth conversation and explore the critical minds of our friends and enjoy constructive and intellectual feedback.

we drove around antique houses and explored the old nostalgic parts of the town and fell in love. who knew a place so magical was only 2 1/2 hours away?

lastly we drove to cosmos for a couple drinks and continued great conversation. i remember sitting there under the neon light, music booming from inside and listening the chris tell a story just thinking "wow, i really want to remember this." because i really loved how good and natural it felt to be sitting underneath the stars with great genuine people, fully focused and soaking it all in.

when we turned in for the night, cody and i were completely exhausted and ready for a good night sleep. snow snuggled right up next to us and we dozed in memory of the fun filled day we just experienced.

pt. II nashville

the next morning we woke up, got dressed, and agreed to meet chris at quill to say by to ashley and him one last time. (ashley had been there hours before working)

ashley treated us to our delicious lattes again!! we downed them instantly and tried to mentally prepare for our 2 1/2 hour car ride to nashville with no working air conditioning.

the great playlist cody made did help the time go by fairly quickly despite the fact we were baking in the sun, finally we saw the skyline and we quickly settled into our first air b&b which was a tiny house tucked away on the outskirts of nashville.

once we settled in, naturally i took a nap and cody took a shower. when i woke up we got ready and headed into town to grab some dinner and get a good look of what south 12 night life seemed like.

the next day we woke up refreshed and ready to take on the day perspective.

the cute strip adjacent to downtown was so carefully thought out and designed. from the murals that dressed the buildings to the cute shops that filled their insides with well thought out interior design and style you couldn't help but be instantaneously inspired. the feeling alone that south 12 gave you was enough to make you want to waste your whole day there. so we posted up at the local coffee shop, hit up the sprinkles cupcake atm, and soaked up the sun and the colorful town drowning in it.

bright. alive. awake.

we only spent one night in the tiny house, the rest of our time was spent in a loft air b&b also very close to downtown.

our regularly visited spot was a coffee shop called the barista parlor. although i felt super unworthy to even be in there with how cool and edgy the vibe was we still managed to enjoy ourselves and i drew cody his next tattoo and he was able to read and work on some music.

most of our time included just hanging out and enjoying one another all over the city. whether we were exploring antiques or just reading side by side cody and i got to enjoy one another without the pressure to impress or entertain. he is the only person i have ever felt 100% comfortable around and to have so much uninterrupted quality time with him was a true gift.

when we headed back, we left with a new perspective. realizing the spot in life we are both in, this challenging place where we are both stretching to grow separately and together and reaping the reward of patience and diligence in our relationship. cody and i are not perfect people, and this whole trip wasn't picture perfect either. there are times where we fought, I cried in a bathtub, and we just could not get on the same page or see eye to eye. but the beauty in all of this was i am a mess. cody is a mess. a new city is beautiful, its inspiring and romantic. and we make ourselves like the city we are in by choice. we are in this thing we call love together, we sacrifice and get hurt like it's nothing because we have a fierce and passionate love for one another.

i know home doesn't require a key, its simply windows down with his hand on my knee as he drives along a high way endlessly as exits pass. it's cody who makes me feel every good thing i experience and see and cody who makes a nine to five day less mundane. i've found the one whom my soul loves, and together we can face just about anything. i am so thankful that this trip taught me to love better, explore style more, and fearlessly live. because the life that i envisioned for myself is in the palm of my hands, and the time is now. to moving forward.

When a pop song becomes your anthem.

What’s it like to feel 22? 

Is it just a hook in a hit pop song or in actuality did it hold a significant purpose? For me personally, this past year was everything. 

Before there was never a time where I didn’t struggle with who I was created to be. I always wanted to change something about me. Be less awkward, more mysterious, less extroverted, more intellectual. Fix this part, be more like her cause she’s likable, she is beautiful, and she is better. 

Naturally as a girl raised in a western society I also wanted to change how I looked. My biggest insecurities were magnified under this impression that I had to be pretty to make something of myself. At age 12 I was already planning plastic surgeries, to fix the shape of my nose and to trim down my thighs. I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror because that girl was an emotional wreck with no idea about anything let alone how to look. 

My identity was found in who I wished I was. I crafted this idea that I could be and make myself into whoever I thought i should be if I just shoved down the parts my myself I didn’t like and tried harder to be the girl I thought everyone liked. 

I used to spend countless hours working on my handwriting with the preconceived notion that pretty girls had nice handwriting, how sad is that? I was willing to try everything just to feel like I once did as a child, free and lovely. 

I remember making a promise to myself at a young age that by the time I was at least 23 I would be happy. I would be happy with myself, my life, my looks. When i got older that’s when everything would make more sense. 

And here I am, that statement ringing true thanks to the year of being 22. 

Now this past year hasn’t been perfect, its had it’s fair share of mental breakdowns and hard times. The reason it’s so significant is because this is the year I learned to be unapologetically myself instead of just wishing I could be. 

This is also the year I discovered my mental illnesses, how they effected me but didn’t control me. Instead they put together puzzle pieces of my past and I accepted that who I am isn’t defined by what I’m limited to do. I’m here to shattered negative connotations and exceed expectations. 

I found myself lovely instead of seeking others too. Enjoyed things because I wanted to not because I thought it would make me more relevant and relatable. I dived into what ignighted my passion, my heart. I lost Jesus, and I found him even better than before. Proud of the travels I’ve made, the friends that have stuck like glue, and the mountains I’ve moved I am ready to stay exactly as I am: content. 

Every now and then I’ll run my fingers over scars that still hurt, especially when I unintentionally bump them into memories that are so sweet yet so gone. Although my heart has been torn and stretched I’ve learned how to keep it better in tact. I don’t break for anyone anymore. 

I’m free to be exactly who I was created to be and isn’t that simply amazing? I was hand crafted to be this wild and inquisitive human. One who fiercely loves and communicates heartache through blogs. Dramatic, bold, and attentive I am who I am. 

I still get too sensitive and too emotional over things I shouldn’t. I still lose my cool and awkwardly trip over trivial matters. I struggle getting out of bed some mornings and still feel small every now and then. I know I’m still very much a work in progress, by no means am I done in this search to be a strong and fearless woman. But I’m getting better at it, each day I’m picking up valuable life lessons and practicing them. 

Here’s the main difference though: 

I now walk out the door without any makeup on not because I have anything against it but for the first time I truly believe I don’t need it. I express myself through my style, grab inspiration through those who inspire me. I lean on others and let them lean on me. I enjoy guilty pleasures because I don’t feel guilty for liking them anymore. I put myself first so I can love my best. I fall and I get back up and I try again even if everything in me might not want me to, I keep going. 

This life thing is really hard but in the words of an artist I deeply admire (Van Gogh) I am seeking, I am striving, and I’m in it with my whole heart.

 As this year comes to a close I can’t help but to feel bittersweet. I’ll never forget every fabric 22 coated me in to feel simply immaculate and at peace. I’m growing up, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with letting go of things not meant for me and being thrilled about aquiring ambiguity and preparing for the uncertainty that lies ahead instead of being afraid of it. 

So, in closing,  thank you Taylor Swift for creating a hit that I could closely relate to my entire year of being 22. Never have I felt more loved, more filled with hope, and more secure. It’s been miserable and magical. Everything will be alright, I’m just going to keep dancing. 

The face of Bipolar, PTSD, ADD, high functioning anxiety and major depressive disorder .

Mental illness; a condition that causes severe disorder in a person’s thinking or behavior. 

Recently I went and got evaluated psychologically, something that’s been a long overdue necessity. After so many nights of waking up screaming from nightmares, days where inability to find energy just to get out of bed were more often than not, and moods that are so intense and so consuming you find yourself thinking “I really need some help.” 

So that’s what I did, I went to my family doctor in search for help and she recommended me to the flexman clinic where I took an emotional exhausting and extensive  testing and talked one on one with a 9 year degree. And with what I discovered about myself I felt like I should really talk about. Because it’s easy to show your best self on the internet and hide the parts you’re ashamaed of. But I’m not perfect, I struggle a lot and I want to be unashamed of that. 

So here’s what I found out: 

I’m bipolar. 

More specifically I’m bipolar II. 

I also didn’t realize there were 2 different types so let me clarify them for you: 

Bipolar I; is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by the occurrence of at least one manic or mixed episode. Most patients also, at other times, have one or more depressive episodes, and all experience a hypomanic stage before progressing to full mania.

Bipolar II; is a bipolar spectrum disorder  characterized by at least one episode of hypomania and at least one episode of major depression. … The hypomanic episodes associated with bipolar II disorder must last for at least four days and one episode of major depression can last up to months at a time. 

Essentially I experience shorter episodes of happiness and longer episodes of sadness. I also help make up about 2.5% of the US population which is about 6 million people. 

I remember hearing this news and instantaneously sobbing. 

Half relief and half fear. 

Because my association of bipolar was with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde association,these two extremes that collided and were incompatible. I watched all my dreams of becoming a wife and mom become tainted as I realized that I now carry this genetic burden that’s caused me so much pain and so much heartache for years and years.

 How can I accomplish anything feeling on top of the world one day and the exact opposite the next? My life had always been in extremes and inconsistency. I never got a grasp on the severity of my shifting demeanor because it was just always my normal. 

The hardest part for me is constantly being unaware of what episode I am in. I’m constantly having an episode, and if I’m not careful I give into the racing thoughts and “no need for sleep.” Dealing with the painful consequences of spending too much money or being drawn to the fire that burns. My self control is nonexistent most of the time and I react more naturally than I respond to things. 

I never knew you could feel something and then not react to it. The thought of thinking before you react to something was never a thing I had control of. 

Then there’s the depressive state. It includes insomnia and hypersonia. Loss in all my interests and fighting just to do the basic responsibilities of life. Fatigue and severe weight loss and gain from shrinkage and growth in appetite. 

Grey is unfamiliar to a girl like me that’s constantly living in extremes. 

But wait there’s more! 

PTSD aka post-traumatic stress disorder; a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.

As you’re all aware if you’ve read my blog I was raped in my first real relationship and because of that I struggle with the reprocussions more than I would like to. When I am stressed out I’ll have vivid nightmares that jolt me out of my sleep and I feel my face and its wet from crying in my sleep. I walk home alone and I’m paranoid that every guy who looks at me just wants to hurt me and I have this tight feeling in my chest that never really goes away. 

I don’t trust love, I believe in it but my experience gives me some trust issues with the one thing that’s supposed to keep us all warm. And every time I think I’m getting over it or better I realize I’m not. Every day is still an uphill battle to conquer this demon that grabs hold of every part of me. I’m haunted. 

ADD aka Attention Defficit Disorder; a neurobehavioral disorder characterized by a combination of inattentiveness, distractibility, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior. … More than half the children diagnosed with AD/HD continue to have symptoms during their adolescent years and into adulthood.

Retaining things for me is like a child playing outside with a ballon and then accidentally letting go of it. And no matter how quickly I try and grasp at the ballon again it’s quickly floating away into a sky-blue abyss. 

Being overstimulated or underestimated is a real workout for me considering the fact I have a million ideas inside my head fighting for my attention no matter what I do or where I go. My to-do lists never get done because I’m constantly getting caught up in new things and forget about the rest. My friends get irritated with me when I forget to text them back and appointments that are pressing and important rarely get scheduled. 

My mind loves knowledge but doesn’t know how to keep it. Most of the time in order for things to set with me it’s got to be catchy or repeated at least a dozen times. I got you if you need to know every word to any Taylor Swift song but basic math is not my thing. Or basic grammar or any helpful skill really. 

Time isn’t a concept I’m familiar with and my brain is often as scattered as all my makeup on my bathroom sink. They’re good ideas in there even great ones, but you’ve got to dig and be willing to get frustrated. Cause that’s just how I’ve learned that I work. I’m always running late or rushing, my life is always moving too fast and I find myself often out of breath. 

High functioning anxiety; one of the most common forms of mental illness in the United States. Usually paired with depression. Excessive worrying, uncontrollable ticks/ mannerisms and tightening of chest may occur. Anxiety attacks are also frequent with this condition. 

I also have this heavy burden that there needs to be so much that has to get done, like I have to conquer the world in the matter of 24 hours and I stress so much about it. It’s easy for me to get fixated and obsessed with something that doesn’t even matter in retrospect. I’m constantly trying to keep up with all of life’s responsibilities and getting worried and paranoid when I can’t get them done. Even though these tasks are basic every day ones, I still feel a heavy weight in them. 

My body physically takes my anxiety out on me and I’ll find myself with shortness of breath and my chest tightening. During an anxiety attack the symptoms mimic the feel of an asthma attack and I actually feel like I’m dying (and not in a dramatic sense.) It takes an outside force and mantra to get me out of them and they’re some of the scariest experiences I’ve ever had. 

It prevents me from responding to emails, replying to texts, committing to long term plans. All these things are made nearly impossible thanks to anxiety. 

Major depressive disorder (MDD) ; is a mental disorder characterized by at least two weeks of low mood that is present across most situations. It is often accompanied by low self-esteem, loss of interest in normally enjoyable activities, low energy, and pain without a clear cause.

Weeks will go by and getting out of bed takes everything in me. I don’t want to eat or go out. I don’t want to make plans with anyone or do anything. I just want to sleep, because then I can shut my brain off for just one moment and feel nothing. Cause I’m always feeling, so much and so intensely I just want a break. And sleep gives that to me. 

But sleep also makes me feel super unproductive and lazy. It’s more like a ball and chain than a recharge. I’m constantly looking for it. I’m distracted when someone’s talking to me cause I’m just tired, even though I slept 12 hours I’m just tired in a way sleep can’t fix. It is exhausting. I’ve canceled plans just to be alone and cry and I don’t understand why I’m even crying most of the time. 

I don’t write this post for sympathy. This is not a “here’s all that’s wrong with me let me list out how you can cater to me” blog post. Because not only do I not agree with that approach, I don’t want that. I don’t want to be tip-toed around because I know the reality. I know the world doesn’t stop for anyone no matter what’s wrong with you. I write this because I know there are people out there who are scared they’re alone in this, and I want to be here to say “You are not alone! I’m right here.” 
I’m right here with the harsh credibility eager to relate and cushion the blow. 

 I want to be the church God called me to be, that welcomes those who are struggling and can’t grasp their own mind. Showing how God can be in this even when Christianity tells us we should just be happy or pray more. There’s beauty in the breakdown, beautiful things rise from ashes and not only do we grow from it, we thrive. We’re made new because we are willing to go through what ever it takes to get us there. 

I’ve realized that I’m a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously. 

I’m constantly trying to be more understanding, more hopeful, more self-aware and more considerate. I have my mental illnesses to thank for that. 

My bipolar gives me deep emotions to work with so I can create some pretty phenomenal blogs, sketches, paintings, and poetry. It helps me relate to my favorite artist of all time, Vincent Van Gogh, who also felt too much but just painted it all away. My PTSD let’s me connect with other victims of sexual assault who can feel comfortable enough to open up and heal with me. I get to be compassionate, I get to share the gospel first hand and what a beloved experience that is. 

My ADD let’s me be creative and bursts of intelligence flow from me and I’m forced to use that time wisely before those impactful thoughts decide to flee. I see things in a different way, life to me is more than a perceivable concept. My anxiety, when controlled correctly, motivates me to get things done and to not stay complacent. My depression lets me paint in indigos, contrasting the brightness. It’s a reminder that some of my darkest times gave me my best memories, so I’m thankful for them and would never wish them away. 

I always have this impending fear in the back of my mind that I’m too much yet not enough at the same time. But then I had to come to this conclusion: 
You know for some people you will be too much. But that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you it means those people are wrong for you. 

Keep unapologetically being yourself. If that means crying at sad movies never hide your tears. If that means loving the heck out of Taylor Swift when everyone else says she’s basic, do it. Or wearing different clothes than all your friends cause you like them and they make you feel pretty. Don’t ever try and fit yourself into a mold someone else made. The world needs more people willing to break free and simply be who they were destined to be. 

My mental health has been an every day battle ever since I can remember. It’s been lots of slammed doors and numerous nights of tears and contemplation. I even spent a week in the hospital which was essentially like my own personal hell. But I’ve come to know and accept what I’m dealing with and it doesn’t make me any less of a person.If anything it forces me to be more. I’m more aware, I’m more introspective, I’m more approachable. 

  I personally do take medication and go through counseling and it helps me not be so hard pressed on everything. Music also aids my feelings and let’s me know how justified I am. Art museums are as welcoming as the church was meant to be, the walls are plastered with troubled souls like me that had a voice that needed to be shared and heard. 

So I’m removing the negative connotation paired with mental illness, because there’s so much good that comes from it. This part of me is as significant as the parts I’m willingly proud of. In some ways life can be more difficult for me but it doesn’t stop me from trying my best. I refuse to let this limit me from anything I want to do. I’m still me, I’m still loving life and rolling with the punches. 

You can have Bipolar and be kind. You can have ADD and focus on what’s important. You can have PTSD and live in a daydream. You can have high functioning anxiety and have peace. You can struggle with major depression and feel joy. I am here to change the image of mental illness, and I’m here because I fought really really hard to be. And I realize I’ve opened a door but that’s because I believe it should have never been closed. 

People are going to know me by the way I love people with Christ’s love. It’s the most artistic way I can live and it’s the life I wanna live. 

november; conquering insecurity and doubt

there’s a storm inside

my head and 

it’s killing all the flowers. 

-a.k. 

I pass by a looking glass every day before I leave the house, and when I glance at it I can’t help but subconsciously put down what I see. It’s like i have photoshop programmed into my brain that I impetuously wish I could activate. Soften some lines here, smooth out the skin there, smaller face shape maybe? Smaller nose, bigger eyes. Before I know it I walk away less of a woman and feeling more like plastic surgery potential. 

At seven years of age a mirror taught me how to critique and covet precarious manipulation. I knew what pretty meant and I also knew that I wasn’t it. So I would cry, scream, plead and beg with God to somehow magically make me into a woman that could be loved and admired. Truly that’s all I wanted to be, even if I couldn’t quite articulate it then all I wanted to be was captivating.

Feminity is scrutinized from the day we discover it, and instead of encouraging it to blossom so many times we try and diminish it instead in hopes of being sane or normal. Because the older you get the more you realize that image is more than just what you see, it’s who you are. It is also way easier to see the things you are not rather than the things you truly are. So when they tell you that you’re beautiful even though it’s a thing you work so hard to be you don’t believe them. You leave the compliment because it feels so undeserved. 

Insecurity has a cruel way of making one feel incomplete. The little voice inside my head has filled my mind with the majority of my doubts, telling me the derogatory of being wired emotionally, how awkward and painfully different I am, that my faith is all a lie and there’s scientific reasoning for all the things I’m too stupid to understand. I’m prone to self deprecate with thoughts like if only I were better then I would be happy and have what I want. 

I’ve watched people throw rocks at everything in me that shines, my faith, my heart, my zeal for almost anything and everything. I’m in awe with love for life and most people don’t know how to handle that, cause I should look relatively like everyone else right? 

Well I do not, and I never have. 

I used to dress my authenticity with shame and mask who I was in order to fit in or at least feel like I did. For a time belonging felt better than being who I was and I truly believe that there are times in my life I lived for somebody else. I needed to be a rock for this person while an emotive avalanche was taking place inside me, a role model for my younger sister while carelessly making mistake after mistake, a good daughter who never felt it, a devote Christian who hadn’t felt God in months. This is what it took to be known I thought, this is what it took to be cared about to be loved. 

It got to a point where I was just like, who am I fooling? Why am I trying so hard to work with what I don’t have instead of making do with what’s right in front of me? It’s like I was blind to the magic pent up inside of me that was dying to be exercised. 

I’m not sure about most things that I wish I was; God, timing, love, life in general. But it doesn’t keep me from believing in it all with all my heart, because I know each and every factor listed has me exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’ve made it to right now and that’s something to be accounted for. 

Following Jesus is costly but not as costly as the alternative. I’ve seen glimpses of the glory that is to be revealed. I’ve let extraterrestrial love sweep me off my feet. My love for Christ is what keeps me warm and I will fight off any and every temptation that tries to harden me or make me cold. Because passion isn’t meant to be done half way, and nothing about my extremist nature is willing to compromise going all in on the things that are most important to me. To paraphrase C.S. Lewis if I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy I can only conclude that I was not made for here. 

I’m so quick to write this fallacious narrative with my doubts and insecurities as if they somehow equate to reality. But the simple fact is im not that harsh. I’m soft, I’m kind, and I’m flawed. But my worth isn’t defined by what I’m not or by what people I admire can’t see, it’s present because I choose for it to be. 

If it’s not popular to publicize my failures I’ll keep these blogs hot off the press. Because even if being open and honest makes me extreme I’d rather be a hand for the lonely to hold than one for a lover who’s infatuated with the idea of me. 

So now I know that magnificent things don’t beg to be seen, they’re simply admired. I live my life knowing that I’m a work of art, broken, erased and redrawn, molded and refined and never quite finished. Just like any commendable piece I strive to make people feel something when they see me. Some I’ll bring to tears and others won’t even bat an eye in indifference but I’ll know deep in my soul that this doesn’t hurt my muliebrity. 
Let me lose. Let me fail. Let it hurt so bad when I fall. For the lessons I learn are far exceeding than the evanescent secular desires my heart tries to grasp. God loves me so much more than I could ever want anything, and I’m blessed to be his daughter in this day and age where I know with certainty where I’m going. The road is less traveled but paved with flowers instead of concrete and I’ll admire creation every step of the way. 

So each and every day I’m learning to love myself better. Drinking more water, dressing class with style  because that’s what helps my confidence, exercising, making my bed every morning, investing in people that matter and things that will get me closer to my goal instead of further from it. I don’t have this down and I tend to be inconsistent and fall back but I’m always moving forward and finding freedom in that. 

My past is a big part of who I am but it isn’t who I am now. I’m stronger, I’m wiser, I’m softer and harder. I’m being pruned and letting some bad habits go and being okay with my faults. Cause this is who I am, an imperfect grammatical mess that will spend hours jotting down words that run together and maybe don’t make sense in hopes you know you’re not alone. 

The storms will come and they will devastate but they will pass. Joy promises to prevail and has yet to fail. Keep you head up love, if you keep trying and being brave it will get better. I want you to be able to look back and see for yourself. So let the doubt and insecurity push you to where you want to go not where you think you could never be. 

“Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created.” – Esther 4:14 

October; conquering contentment

Ever since I can remember (I’ve been popping my collar, eh.) my mind has always been dreaming, which is a truly remarkable and enticing thing. What tarnishes this competence is when my fantasies interfere with my reality and cause me to lose conscience of the present. This happens far too often and I’m in constant battle for satisfaction in what? Myself, God, Others, My lifestyle? 

Majority of the time I feel stuck. Like I should be somewhere else but I’m just not. I look around me and I watch friends get married in dreamy photos that exude love and happiness. Others are jumpstarting their careers in big cities with new windows of opportunity. Families form in the solid foundations of humble homes and I watch all of this and can’t help but sigh a little. These are the very desires of my heart and to watch them from the bedroom in my parents basement feels iniquitous. 

I’m over here like what about me God? When is it my turn? We talk everyday but do you hear me? 

I want the Mini Cooper and charming style that’s aestheticly pleasing and intriguing. I want to crawl into bed with a strong loving man beside me who knows me and loves me as passionatly as I’m willing to love him. I want to soar in opportunity and spread my ideas all over a committee ready to work with me and I with them. To have babies that wake me up bright and early reminding me how beautiful it is to be so eager for a new day. To paint and decorate a house on the west coast or maybe even east. God I want some things, maybe a lot of things but they all just feel decades and miles away. And I’m left discouraged and regrettably heartbroken, wondering is there something wrong? What am I not doing? 

Recently I bought a giving key from my favorite local boutique called shoppe smitten, and on it the word abide is engraved. 

Abide; accept or act in accordance with (a rule, decision, or recommendation).

Lately I feel like God is letting me rediscover the enchantment of this simple act. For someone who feels so deeply life has a way of drowning joy and impending heartache. I get lost in the missed connections and disappointments. Wondering is it even worth it at all to be this woman I fight so hard to be? Then suddenly, with a leap of faith I lean into the Father, I rest in his gospel and I learn to abide. Every day, I’m pruned and I grow and I learn to abide in his plan that’s been established before time. 

Cause my plans seem noteworthy and noble, but God has his sights on my heart and eternity (1 Samuel 16:7) he’s not focusing on these tangible pleasures I seek to achieve. So sometimes I don’t understand, like when I’m up late at night crying over someone I want to care for me but just won’t forcing me to collapse in defeat yet again from promises not kept. 

Why can’t I fast forward to the times I long for the most? I ask out of pure frustration. 

Because there is precious joy to be found right where I’m at. 

When I’m up in the woods, I’m at home in my church. And this month i made sure to hike around a state park and spend some quality time at peace with my Lord and relish in the beauty that is so distinct and universal, the fall. As challenging as life can be I realize that it honestly just keeps getting better and better, day by day. And if you’re not careful, you blink and you miss it. 

Just as I look back in nostalgia of times when I was young and things seemed more simple and true I know I’ll do the same with my 20s too. There is beauty here because I’m here. I will rise from my ashes and my life will bring praise in the valley and all the way up to the mountaintop. Death can’t sting when I have all I need. 

My heart still wavers because I’m a sinner with imperfections. My longings covet and I have to frequently stop myself and question my soul’s turmoil. Why feel anguish? I’m satisfied in Jesus. 

John Piper has this fantastic quote and it says something along the lines of “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” That truth rings through out my life and I pray it does the same for yours. Because when I look at it all hindsight and the horizon I can’t help but see his love plain as day. I’ve never once fell short in what I’ve needed and I can rest knowing he cares about me even more than I remember to care about myself. 

I’m still dreaming, mapping out a life that requires fortitude and strive. I know myself better than anyone and get the opportunity to discover even more in these days, months, years to come. I can’t wish it away, even when there’s pain joy comes in the morning. I always have reason to smile in the sun and the rain. So I will, I’ll keep trying and falling until endurance is at optimum. 

I know you may feel defeated and like there’s no break for you to catch but darling, abide. Just rest in knowing you’re taken care of and your best is enough. It’s okay that the to do list didn’t get anything crossed off today, that he lead you on again and it crushed your soul, when you thought you had it in the bag but life dug you a hole instead. It’s okay, take a breath and just admire yourself in all you’ve accomplished. 

The grief made you tender 

The heartache gave you wisdom 

The suffering made you strong. 

Don’t let your hallelujah become weary at all you’ve yet to reach, if you’re praying about it God is working on it. Give time the merit it deserves and don’t wish away any part of the life you’ve been given. Take deeper roots, swim the depths others are afraid to and take encouragement in steadfast hope we are offered that fulfills us every single day. That we are known, we are loved, our plans are established, the throne still stands. 

There’s something really humbling about the fact that God wouldn’t allow us to go through things without a purpose. So let’s not just go through it-let’s grow with it. It’s time to make peace with the broken pieces and carry on. 

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:10‬ ‭

Cheers to six years!

Wordpress reminded me that I’ve been going at this blog thing for 6 years now. 

6 years ago I was just a girl who had a lot to say and wanted desperately to be heard and known. Because growing up I didn’t really know who I was, or what I was supposed to look like or who I even wanted to be. But through time, heart ache, and endurance I rose up. I blossomed into a woman I had no idea I even had the ability to become and I made that awkward little girl I once was proud that she kept trying. 

So I put things out there with no knowledge that it’ll be read by anyone. I put it out there just in case anyone has ever felt an ounce of all the intense things that I have felt and could be comforted knowing that they weren’t alone. That there’s hope for those who courageously feel it all. 

Over the years I’ve developed this fear that I’m too much. Too emotional, too personal, too sensitive, too crazy for anyone to ever “handle” me. But I’ve accepted with great dignity that if that be the case, I will graciously be too much for the people who feel that they are not enough. It’s not what I want, it’s making sure you know you’ll be okay. 

 I love you, I’m praying for you, I’m rooting for you. You’re not alone in this. 

(Also I hope you enjoy six year old me killing the soccer game with those Barbie sneakers) 

june; conquering rejection

I always wondered what the exemptions were for being rejected. The well liked people in my community made it seem believable, that these intangibles existed and my insecurity made me anxious to obtain their enchanting charisma. I modeled myself after the people I admired with this pretense that if I became like them people would like me as much as they liked them. And I would never feel the sting of a cold shoulder ever again. 

 I remember laying in my bed one night and making a thoughtful mental list: if I was prettier, smarter, nicer, more outgoing, more productive, more together then more people would give me a chance and realize that maybe I really am worth keeping around. 

Out of fear of exclusion I made myself into a walking false advertisement. Clothing myself in fashion instead of dignity with hopes someone cool and trendy might find me admirable, waking up 2 hours early in vain before my shift painting on a face that might catch the eye of a cute stranger, and putting more effort in looking like a good person instead of actually being a good person.

 My life became a vicious cycle of losing sight of who I was in an cheap effort to be what I thought others wanted. After a while of I grew extremely weary and felt undeniably defeated. Who was I kidding? 

It took me a good 10 years (no exaggeration) and an extremely intense heartbreak later to fully accept that it’s not bad to be who I was designed to be even if everyone isn’t on board with it. Someone is always going to have some legit reason not to get along with me, it doesn’t  matter who I am, what I like or even what i look like I can never dodge the bullet of unwilling judgement.This was just a part of life that I had to digest even if it was a big pill for me to swallow. 

I had to repeatedly assure myself it really is okay. 

It’s okay those girls on the playground didn’t want to be my friend because they thought I looked weird. It’s okay that I struggled making friends when my best friend decided she didn’t want to be that anymore. It’s okay that boys I fancied didn’t feel the same about me. It’s okay she made him stop talking to me because she viewed me as a threat to their relationship. It’s okay he didn’t want to love me anymore. 

I want to say that this assessment miraculously made me feel better, but it certainly did not. I was still very hurt. Tears kept streaming, my face felt hot, and with a heart physically in pain I felt truly alone and without assurance. 

What makes rejection so painful? Is it the hindered vulnerability that bruises our innocence? Effort’s lost merit? Or is it that unexpected goodbye we solemnly hear for the last time? 

The philosophy of rejection that I’ve conjured in clairvoyance is simply that there is an evident loss, therefore accompanied by instantaneous grief. Rejection strips away hope and falsifies desires that were intended for good. Trust breaks and we generalize and harden our hearts in efforts to feel less lonely. Doubt is born and most of us are prone to enter into the mindset that good enough is what we should be and also what we are not. 

How do we address the wound we weren’t expecting? 

We don’t.

Rejection leaves wounds that only God can truly heal (Jeremiah 30:17). By his wounds we ourselves are healed and his rejection is never upon us. He unconditionally loves us and will never forsake us (Psam 94:14) therefore we are made holy and acceptable in his unfailing love( 1 Timothy 4:4-5). With arms open, Jesus says “Come as you are.” God has not rejected his people whom he fore knew (Romans 11:2) and the safety and comfort that generally we are was so quick to find in others is in his presence. 

But there’s still hesitance, isn’t there?  

Trust in God requires a leap of faith and not everyone is so adventurous. 

Why trust God?

Doubt is the a rain cloud that hovers over my mind occasionally. Even being a fairly devoted Christian I still experience seasons of doubt and I am more opt to recite a memorized bible verse about trusting God than actually going through with it. 

Does he even exist to trust? What if I’m just too emotional and need him more cause I’m weak? 

The best way to fight doubt I’ve learned is to pose truth. Truth metaphorically is like a lion, it can defend itself. It never fails and it always remains. This is the cornerstone to faith. 

“I’m sacred to God, engraved on the palms of his hands (Isaiah 49:15) he holds me and carries me even when I don’t believe he is even there. Everything in my life, the good and the bad, my sin and my righteousness are all knit together and intended for my good (Romans 8:28). If God is for us, who can really be against us?” 

This attitude contradicts my nature but it stems from something other than myself. It doesn’t come from my thoughts or my opinions that can easily be sabotaged and proven wrong. This breath of fresh air is conducted by the one who intricately made me. The God who never fails, or gives up on me. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Proverbs 3:5 & Psalm 37: 3-4) 

It doesn’t say when or how but instead these verses tell us  that he will follow through on his promise to give us what our hearts want. Sometimes we just need to endure some tweaking and tough love before we can accept this gracious gift. God being fatherly and loving wants the best for us and isn’t quick to settle. We put our trust in the one who promises to never forsake us and who never breaks His promises. 

Here’s the peace that I had to avidly search for in the unattractive face of rejection: 

I love people, I genuinely do. I was wired for companionship. There’s nothing I love more than entertaining conversation over a cup of coffee or serendipity in the comfort of dear friends. I see potential and I run full speed ahead with zeal in hope of delightful fruit. 

I do have a tendency though to get lost in the hype and I find myself unintentionally sinning and romanitizing people to be things they are not. And then naturally, I get let down or even vise versa. We don’t always get “good things” because we think we deserve them. Sometimes things just don’t work out and are not intended for our well being.

I have to force myself to believe the truth that I am not in control of people’s feelings and actions towards me. Personal or not, the abandonment I’ve faced so far has done more good than harm and I’m a firm believer that God tore down pedestals I was quick to build up. 

He protects us by closing doors we decorate.

The blatant reality of it all is that rejection isn’t the worst thing that can happen to us. Even though feelings can be contrary, being refused gives way to unlikely opportunity. 

Belief stems from within and reject doesn’t automatically equal defect. It’s important to take note that your purpose still exists even if it’s not what you envisioned for yourself. I can say with confidence that I am not who I was or who I thought I would be without the acknowledgement of rejection. It’s what forced me to pick myself up and leave the expectations of others behind.The independence I gained turned out to be so much sweeter than fickle acceptance I lost. 

As a recovering people pleaser I’m still not the biggest fan of rejection. It’s hard for me to process, I still fixate on the unknown desperately trying to decode what went wrong, where, and why. 

That’s not the point though. 

The big idea here is that if we want to be like Jesus we have to get aquatinted with rejection and figure out what is more important to us. Local tolerance or following Jesus? It’s not always an easy answer. 

We are here to fight the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12) and it’s important to realize not everyone is going to be on our side. United fronts will face divide and conflict will rise. Allies will turn into enemies. Flesh will win battles over the spirit and there will be very deep troubled times ahead of us. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. – John 14:27 

Take heart. He came. He conquered.

Love wins. 

I wish you well.

I’m not going to lie I cried. 

My social media is currently blowing up with accomplishment and success. My ex-peers from my ex-college are graduating today and my heart is sinking. Because it still feels unfair. 

Go on let it go, Just let it be. Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me. 

I was supposed to be with them. I was supposed to be smiling and accepting degree that I worked very hard for being surrounded by friends that I’ve grown up with for the past four years. I was supposed to be feeling nostalgic and have a bittersweet good bye as I closed a chapter to my life. 

But I’m not, I’m all alone in a messy room in Ohio, conflicted and STILL hurting. They say time heals, and I believe it. But I also believe certain parts of our heart remain tender, and Lee University is a very tender spot to me. 

I jumped into my college experience with probably a similar mindset as every other freshman, not having a clue what to expect but also intrigued by the wonder of a new place and a new life I would learn to love. This was my white blank page, I was scared but I was confident. 

I left with a keyed car that said “we are glad you’re gone.” on the side of it, I hung my head as I lost the war I didn’t remember enlisting in. Depression and self doubt clouded my entire being and I was lost. I wasn’t used to people not liking me and I learned that when they didn’t, it shattered me. And I couldn’t do anything about it expect go home.

I remember saying goodbye to the very select few friends I had left. And when I got to my friend Lindsay she was crying angry tears and I asked her what was wrong. “I just wanted to grow up with you. And I feel like that’s being stolen. And I’m hurt. And I’m angry.” That’s exactly how I felt too, like life cheated me. I hugged her tightly and thanked her for loving me so fiercely so quickly. 

You put yourself out there with the risk of rejection that you never really consider it until it’s already happened. My last semester at Lee it plagued me. No clubs engaged in my efforts of acceptance so finding my place was hopeless. I learned that people not only have a large capacity to love but also to hate. And that the right thing is only morally encouraged not actively sought out. 

People do not always care when you cry, sometimes they laugh in the next room and talk about how awkward you are while you cry. Maybe something got lost in translation or maybe I myself was too much to handle I just thought my life was supposed to be a tangible masterpiece but then I dumbfoundly watched women tear it all up in catastrophe. Women who claimed to love the Lord. I didn’t feel His love or any at all, not one bit. 

Despite the emotional damage it would be unjust to say my whole experience was a bust. I did meet some wonderful, genuine people at Lee like Rachel, Emily, Lindsay, Lauren, Emmalee, Josh, Christine and Bryn just to name drop a few. I traveled and got a taste of living on my own which is a freedom I most definitely enjoyed. I have fond memories of watching the sunrise over mountaintops and deep conversations on the stoop of my dorm complex. 

I gained friends, and lost some. No matter how short or long people chose to stay in my life I’m thankful for every single one of them. Because they truly did touch my heart, in a unique and divine way. And I love them, I will always love them. Friends are blessings, and i specifically go out of my way to remind mine that they are. 

If you’re loved by someone you’re never rejected. Decide what to be, and go be it.

So now I work 2 jobs and go to a community college at home. And I’m content. It’s hard, I struggle but I know I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. I’m loving discovering that my control is limited, and God’s is not. I hate it but that’s part of my benediction. God take my need to control and plan out my life and let me trust you for you’ve already done what I set out to do. 

I love where I’m at, I will learn to love the skies I’m under. 

I expected to walk out of Lee University with a college degree but instead I walked out with a broken spirit. Somehow though, that was everything. The scandalous pain forced me to be appreciative and set my sights on things that were more urgent to address than a societal milestone expectation. I lost everything I deeply valued, an it turned out to be my most precious gift. 

So to the girls who keyed my car, 

I wish you well. I know you were just trying to grow up to fast too and you didn’t do the right thing when you should have. You fell into the temptation of gossip and judgement and I hope you’ve repented because I do not wish judgment on you. I pray that you shape others in an impactful way that doesn’t hurt. Because the world isn’t kind but I want to be, especially to you. So I forgive you. God loves you. You’re worth the journey it takes to forgiveness. 

Sincerely, 

Sierra 

I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we’ve been shown the mystery! 

Colossians 2:2-3 

april; conquering guilt

‘Cause I am a whore, I do confess

I put you on just like a wedding dress

And I run down the aisle

I run down the aisle

Or Im a prodigal with no way home

I put you on just like a ring of gold

And I run down the aisle

I run down the aisle to you

I was 15 and it was summer, I was soaking up rays and wisdom as I listened to Derek Webb’s song wedding dress for the first time. I remember being enticed by the authenticity of struggle and desperation for the gospel. Lemonade in hand (hey Beyoncé, what’s good?!), I paused and decided that I loved and appreciated this song, more than I had any other song before. 

 In hindsight I realize I didn’t truly understand enough to fully love it, I couldn’t. There was little to no room for application. Fast forward seven years and now this song is the essence of what my faith stands upon. 

Intentional sin births legitimate guilt. It’s easy to brush off sin when its accidental. “I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to think this way”,  or “act like this”, or “look at that.” That sin is easy to forgive, it’s understandable. Relatable even, and with a slap on the wrist you’re on your way with the notion that for the most part, you’re still pretty decent. Just misguided. Or lost. 

“I didn’t do it.” 

A famous line both of my 4 year old twin boys (that I babysit, I didn’t secretly have twins) love to throw when there’s a problem or mess no one wants to claim. Another graceful way to diminish guilt is to place the blame somewhere else. Deserved or not this is a couping mechanism we all use as rights to anger and punishment. Unfortunately it leads to justice getting misconstrued for power instead of liberty more often than not.

So these are the cards we play when guilt creeps up in us. And when you realize running gets you no where, then what? 

So could you love this bastard child

Though I dont trust you to provide

With one hand in a pot of gold

And with the other in your side

I am misrepresented if anyone labels me good. I am made very ware of this and valiantly strive for the gospel truth and its fruits, but I myself am not good, there are very deep and dark parts of my heart that have yet to see redemption based on my own accord. Stitched with good intention yes, the follow through though is never promised. 

As a Christian I am not called to be perfect, I’m called to love like Jesus and let my heart and mind be taken over by this radical life changing love. But I confuse these ideas all the time. Because I want to represent Christ and what he was more so who he still is. So isn’t that impossible expectation expected of me? 

No. Jesus came for my sins to be finished, not for me to be perfect at anything. So then what happens when I mess up and I know better? 

What happens when I know sex with someone other than my husband is not only wrong but also damaging but I do it anyway? Or when I want to fit in so I laugh at jokes I shouldn’t and fail to speak now for Jesus just for the sake of tolerance? When my heart is twisted and broken mirroring desires of the flesh more than the spirit? 

‘Cause I am so easily satisfied

By the call of lovers so less wild

That I would take a little cash

Over your very flesh and blood

I justify the unjustifiable, muster up counterfeit validity. I paint myself to seem bright and bold like the wild colors of my personality but rarely do I let others feel my indigo and the dark depths it bares. This, I know, does nothing but mask the artificial reasoning I try to conceive. It makes me momentarily content but guilt sweeps back in and I’m caught yet again in a vicious hurricane that leaves me drowning. 

And should I read between the lines

And look for blessings in disguise

To make me handsome, rich and wise

Is that really what you want

If guilt is a plague, where is the hope for a cure?

I am human and a Christian at the same time. I will fail, I will mess up and I will not meet your expectations. Binds will make me hypocritical and I will say things that will make me out of line and I will do things I shouldn’t because I’m fickle at times. 

Where is Jesus in this? He is the good, the only good you see in me. I bare my mistake so you can see that this compassion saved me. This redemption is only possible because of Christ. Nothing else, never anything else. 

Because money cannot buy 

A husbands jealous eye

When you have knowingly deceived his wife

Satan uses guilt as an instrument to charm our minds, convincing us that the cross is not enough. That God forgives but he can’t forgive your abortion. Or that rape. That’s too much, that’s too dark for him to even consider. You’re stuck in a hopeless pit that you put yourself in. You deserve to stay there. 

This Siren’s song is not your anthem. 

The Darkness may be intimidating but it also is what illuminates the light. I shine brighter because of my shame and if I’m to be the light of the world, a city on the hill I can’t dull my misfortunes and mistakes with fear of no acceptance. Contrast is what makes my life so enticing. I am dark but I am light. 

Jesus died for me, while I was still a sinner willingly (Romans 5:8). He’s seen me at my darkest and still loves me and says I’m worthy of his love. I let this truth change me and know it doesn’t change Jesus or how he feels for me. 

 Guilt was not meant to be an Achilles heel but more of a motivation for the greater good. That weight tears us apart but also helps us grow back together even stronger. Like muscles, the more we exercise this practice, the more reinforced we become. It’s why we continue to lift and even learn to enjoy it because the results of endurance are so rewarding that we forget the sweat and pain it took to get there. 

The Lord has a purpose for everything (proverbs 16:4) even the wicked, our wicked, he’s behind directing with intention for conquest. When life throws you storms it’s hard not to think that those storms aren’t some kind of cruel punishment for what big sins we’ve committed in the past. The lie is that God keeps record of wrongs, the truth is that he is reedeming us. So take courage, he doesn’t fail even when we do. 

Isaiah 53:5 makes it very clear what the power of Christ has for us, healing and peace. This is it. That’s enough. There’s no plus, or prerequisite, it’s just the cross. And this covers us way before and way after we know this gospel truth. 

If you could love me as a wife

And for my wedding gift your life

Should that be all Ill ever need

Or is there more Im looking for

What defines me is not who I know or what I’ve done but it’s the one who says, “it is finished.” He says, “come as you are.” With him, rest and peace prevail and home beckons me.

My sin, my fault, does not make the gospel any less true. I’m thankful for that, and also encourage Christ in it all. He deserves the chance you’re willing to give, he always has. So don’t write him off just yet. I’m so glad I didn’t. 

Guilt and sin may go hand in hand but they are not what I hold, it’s simply to the cross I cling. 

bon iver;

  
reflecting the praises of the season: 

• An amazing Christmas spent with the people I love most, my mom, dad, sister, dog, and heather. I love my family so much. 
• Not necessarily a good New Year’s Eve but a very interesting one. 
• Rachel came up to visit! We had a perfect relaxing 3 days in Cincinnati and celebrated her 22nd birthday together with a donut cake. 
• Took myself on my dream date, which was a solo trip to Columbus visiting the art museum and going to catch local coffee. I got to do this twice and I came back each time so refreshed and so confident. 
• Made some hard lifestyle changes, broke bad habits and removed some toxic people. Finally learning to breathe easy again. 
• My confidence skyrocketed! I hit the gym hard and consistently, started investing in my style more and being unapologetic about who I am. I’ve been waiting for this woman for years and it feels so good to finally become her. 
• I finished a 4 part blog series for the first time! And it was probably one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever done but I’m so glad I did it. 
• I got bangs! I changed my hairstyle and changed my life. And I love both. 
• I took the best road trip, I hit Nashville, Atlanta, Athens, Cleveland, Knoxville, and Cincinnati all in one trip. I saw so many people that I love dearly and don’t see near enough and it honestly was so liberating. 
• Taylor Swift won album of the year and I also watched her 1989 tour with Bex and lots of alcohol. It was a good time.
• Learning to pace myself and not overwork. Huge for me. 
• Survived my first year of heartbreak.
• Learning to let God use me in unconventional ways and not being scared or concerned with how others perceive me for it.
• Got a full time nannying job! Woo! 
• Galentine’s day with the peach.
• Hanging out with a variety of people not just the same ones I’m comfortable with. And being consistent about it.
• Reflecting a lot, blogging a lot. March is like the month of blogs for me.
• Dreaming again, making my own heart flutter with possibilities. 
• Praying more diligently and intentionally and watching those prayers get answered and make a difference. (The coolest thing.) 
• Reading more.
• Taking more riskes. Big ones too! Failing and still finding joy. 

I’m a very blessed woman, I struggle with very hard and intense things but I am blessed. And I am strong. I’m learning to be patient and content with where I am. And life is beautiful. And I will not take it for granted.