yesterday was your birthday.

i can never forget it because it’s just mine reversed.

and it seems just like yesterday that i was dressing up birthday cake made from scratch singing to you with 99 cent candles burning way too quickly. we laughed, you blew them out, you kissed me and we danced around the kitchen, the avett brothers music replacing our concept of time.

your birthday is the involuntary anniversary of why i am so fucked up.

your memory flirts with the nostalgia of a fallacy that you were so good for me. i caught your eye in passing, and every day i wish i would have just kept walking. the rose colored glasses went blurry the day your true intentions faded into view and lucky for me hindsight’s twenty twenty. like a child who accidentally lets go of their balloon my fairy tale i was promised by you disappeared into the perfect shade of dark blue.

i am an open book but your chapter has been irrevocably torn out, permanent in my mind and fresh off the press. just when i begin to eradicate the mess you’ve made you manage to rewrite yourself back in the form of a facebook message, friendly, asking me how my family’s been and if i’m happy. as if you’re act is finally together and you’ve really changed.

but i remember you tossing your burning cross onto me when i was too young to interpret the flame’s effects. my skin never rejuvenated, i’ve never been able to find that girl I search for in my old journals. she is just a face on a milk carton.

but i don’t remember that on your birthday, i remember you telling me how beautiful of a bride i would be when i walked out in that yellow sundress you liked so much.

every year i weep and mourn and pray on your birthday. a perpetual paradox that haunts me like the nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night drenched in cold sweats. it felt so real but you were so fake, and every year i weep and mourn and pray because i fell for your good Christian boy bit like the naive hopeless romantic i once was.

but today i cried. not yesterday. today for the first time in 6 years i had strength to wait one more day.

my crocodile tears fall on a gentle sleeve where the heart of the one my soul loves catches them all. he is patient, kind, and he feels like home in a way you could never manage to. he picks up my broken pieces and never complains about the cuts they give him, while he bleeds he’d rather i take his bandages for my old wounds that are still seeping. i yell and scream and leave and he lets me go and waits until i run back into his arms cause he’s all i have to be angry to. cause you couldn’t take responsibility for something if it killed you.

i found love where it wasn’t supposed to be a lost it where i least expected. i never thought i would be grateful for the storm that rocked my vision for what I predicted my life would be. jesus sleeping under the ship so near to me. i love the same sky my balloon got lost in.

another year goes by and i watch as the grave of my innocence gets more rusted and weathered by tears that never seem to stop flowing.

but the forecast has changed.

i’ve embodied my deepest fear and broke all limitations. hell knows me by name from the many visits there and back, i walk tall and with a posture that’s been broken and weighed down for years by your shortcomings. you’re no longer an unspeakable sin, my scarlet letter is my most prized possession. like the veil it is torn.

so today at 4 am with an agenda that begins at 7, i fall asleep to the heartbeat of security. he whispers to me,

“i love you. i am glad you’re here.”

and just like that my tears are not for you anymore.

happy birthday. i hope you got what you wished for.

decide what to be and go be it • pruning

after living with myself, out on my own, for a little over a month now i can conclude one definitive flaw, impatience.

i want all the bad habits to be broken, i want my life to look a certain way, i want to have all my shit together right now. i want to be this brilliant, stylish, loving woman but the truth is, i am so far away from that fallacy.

every day i am struggling just to make it and to be quite frank i am not even too sure what that means. i am so crippled by this exhausting pressure to be more that i just hide from the world in my room most of the time.

inside i know i am bright and full of a life but more often than not i can’t even manage to crawl out of bed for the on and off 8 hour days that lie before me. the derogatory of this oxymoron that has come so familiar to me has turned into the hypocrisy that haunts me. it is like i am a bird in a cage, i dream of freedom yet accept that i am held back.

i’ve come to think to myself “how did i get here?” “what went wrong?” how could i be so far behind everyone else i know? i am not getting married. i did not just buy a house. i am not expecting and i didn’t just land my dream job.

did i miss the train to opportunity? no, i am just impatient and imperfect.

when i was a little girl i remember waking up every day giddy and filled with wonder. embracing the day for what it was, crafting up new ideas and feeling tangible joy in all i did. my goals were always reached and tangible. i didn’t know what a mental illness was, all i knew is that I was different and it was celebrated, rare, and special.

i can’t help but to wonder what stopped me from feeling like this? at what age did i “grow up” and forfeit this gift? was i robbed or did i just loosen my grip?

here’s the thing:

i didn’t wake up one morning and decide that i knew who i wanted to be. because the truth is i still don’t know. i didn’t know when i was 17 sitting in my high school counselor’s office and at age 23 typing away on a 2012 laptop i still don’t have the slightest idea.

but i do know who i am.

and because of that i can decide what to be and go be it.

i am not who i was and praise be to god that i am not entirely who i am now in years to come.

i have to shed what holds me back and learn to love the skin i’m in. humility suits me better than a red lip and little black dress. patience is more handsome than the man who’s got me wrapped around his arm. i need to dump my misery and realize that i don’t need to personify my flaws to know they’re real. like jewelry they help compliment my look but they are not the main aspect of who i am. some might even argue that without them, i don’t look as put together.

ambition is rooted deep in my being, i refuse to be plagued by an imaginary expectation. it’s the voice inside you everyone tries to silence that holds your calling, listen. you are more than you or anyone else can conceive.

i can not have everything i want to have right now, and most of those wants need to be undressed from me. i am known to be infatuated by toxic things, partial to the sin that makes us all human. but grace is what reigns in my heart and it is grace that lets me bloom instead of wilt. while i am here, i am here to thrive.

as this next chapter begins i will fight the urge to rush it. i will learn to love the skies i’m under. i will be courageous in conquering the worst of my demons and not be afraid when they return. i know that god is who he says he is no matter where i am. i will keep holding on when he’s seemingly vacant and i will fight for him when it seems foolish to. because i could never shake his faithfulness and the warmth of his captivating spirit that rests inside of me.

as an adult, i refuse to go through the motions. life isn’t meant to be mundane and those mundane things aren’t meant to be impossible.

right now the day to day is a lot of ted talks, 2 pills one white and one blue, vitamins, minimal make up, and persistency in letting go of what i don’t know. taking care of myself comes in baby steps and i celebrate every single one. because each bound came with a price that measures my infinite worth.

i write this to encourage you that i am out here, eating peanut butter sandwiches, working 40-50 hour weeks and pulling from my savings to meet the expected expenses that come my way every month. i am no where near what i want to be, but i am making small changes to keep myself sane and to ensure that the best is yet to come. i just have to try and allow myself to cry.

removing the things that must go so what’s best for me can grow is what i am here for.

Sometimes we don’t get what we want because God has mercy

The title is something that the best man in my best friend’s wedding was telling me during the rehearsal dinner. I was briefly explaining to him what was going on in my life, why i was struggling and my limp hopes of everything being okay. Then he said something that was shocking. It’s okay for me to not be okay. Even as a christian I can really struggle, and really question and that is not something i should try to mask with bible verses or peoples effort in comfort.

I really struggle with trusting God when i don’t get what i want, or when things do not go as well as i have planned. Because i work really hard in planning, i put a lot of effort and time in figuring out logic and what is best, when is best, how is best and just executing that in a timely manner. But the problem with that is that God doesn’t always make life look like that. Sometimes i don’t get what i want, plans drastically change, and i am stuck in this mess of pity and confusion that i created and weighed on myself, and Jesus is standing over me with opening arms saying “I took on this burden, why are you taking it on yourself?” And you know, i have no idea why i take so many things on myself. I guess it is the small way i try and feel responsible with, but i don’t always have the most mature response.

He also shared this passage of scripture with me:

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40 has some great words for our hearts to really hear and take in.  Enjoy what the Lord has for you to enjoy, embrace life, be zealous about every opportunity laid out for you, and keep that same attitude even when life doesn’t go your way. Because as cliche as it sounds, everything does happen for a reason. And life is one big lesson that we get the pleasure of learning. So life happens sometimes, things we think will be good aren’t good at all, things we want we don’t get, things we feel we need we don’t receive, but the Lord never fails us. Never. Our trust is in him and not ourselves. We are blessed beings.

oh and ps. i will be posting wedding pictures as soon as i see them on the fb 🙂

i apologize for my extreme lack of blogging

i’ve had no motivation to do anything of the writing sort. But i plan to pick that all up now. 

lately i’ve been struggling with my state of where i am in my spiritual walk. am i in a drought? am i just not feeling it as much as i used to? why am i not journaling anymore? why do i never crack out my bible?

i love Jesus, i love God. Still fully believe in the gospel and all it stands for but i am in no way passionate for the kingdom. is that a drought? maybe. how to do i find some vital rainwater in this season?

these are the questions keeping me up at night, and this is the inner struggles i’ve been dealing with. So i am praying through them in hopes that i find what i am looking for. 

So in the meantime, this will definitely return as a place of worship to me. I love sharing my heart, and being honest on here so i intend to pick that up and start doing that again.